It's Time.

I need to grow up. None of what I have been doing are things that I should be doing. My heart is failing at an incredibly fast rate. Thanks to all of you, who have been trying so hard to kill me. I need to relax and conquer my fear of driving. I feel as though my life isnt going to officially start until I get my license. So that shall be my goal in the next few weeks. I have my three two hour drives this week. Nervous beyond belief. I also get my wisdom teeth pulled. Oh, damn. I also have to go take my placement tests at PCC in order to take the classes I need to finish high school. In order to succeed in all of those things I do need my license. Which is why that is my first and foremost goal. But its okay. I will remain calm and get these things done. I need to in order to learn, and grow up. It really is time. [For me to let you go.] and for me to get a better grasp on myself. No more giving whats left of my heart to people who dont deserve it.

Thiizzz Boy.

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far.

I dont even care if it was morally wrong.

It was incredible and I loved it.

All days should feel like yesterday did.

I would be happy for the rest of my life.

Fishbowl Feeling.

What do you do when your whole world seems to be surrounded with screaming? Fighting, bickering, bothering, agonizing complaining, hitting, punching, crying. I crave the silence. I want for just this once to walk into my house and feel completely calm with being there. It seems as though everytime I enter, some ridiculous arguement has already formed way before I arrived. What else is there to do except sit in my room and listen to them scream. "No one else has any fucking integrity in this house except for me!" I wish you wouldnt get so carried away with things that in the long run will blow over. Its not fair for you to say things to me that cut me down even more than I already am. The worse thing in the world in my opinion is someone who hurts the living daylight out of someone that they care about, then come back to them the next day and expect everything to be fine. For them to just blow it all off and say "Oh hey its fine that you completely deserted me in my time of need. Dont worry about it" Which I do, every single time. Talk about having some "fucking integrity". Well, as usual this started out as me talking about one subject and then soon some other subject developed in the end. But its okay, I know you understand what im talking about "bitch" :]

Frustrations.

Lately, I have been dealing with an extraordinary amount of wanting to kick everyone in the ass. To put it lightly. Im not exactly sure why I have been having this intense feeling in my chest. Well...thats a lie. I know exactly why I have been. I think its just wishful thinking to want to feel otherwise.Why in the world would anyone in their right mind want to kill a friendship of ten years...? You say it was because of me. Because we have changed so much and have nothing in common. "Because I cant be happy." Well no duh I cant be happy, I spent years walking on eggshells around you...and all for what? FOR NOTHING. Want to know what I think? I think it was because of you. Because you are the one who so brutally took advantage of my life and manipulated it into something of your liking. "Hmm, I need somewhere to go so I can party tonight, OH lets bombard into *my name shall remain unnamed*'s house regardless of how she feels about it! WOO WHOO!" Think again bitch. It doesnt work like that. I have felt so guarded around you for the past 5 months or so. I finally figured out why too. Its because you lost my trust long ago and I felt that I always had to say the right things or be a certain way for you to "accept me" in a sense. Why did I do that to myself?! I am so tired of your materialistic ways and the way that you and her try to prove me wrong. You and her eating those damn tomato sandwiches. "We lived off of these everyday after school and lax/track. hehehehe" WHO FUCKING CARES. I wont take it anymore. I dont exactly have to at this point seeing as how you so bizzleyyy threw me away. I should think of it as a favor rather than something to cry over. So thank you oh so brutal bitch.