Melancholy[creeps]

Controlled?

2008-10-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

This is all about the title. The question is...am I? I have heard it once and blew it off, but then I heard it again...and again. So now I cant help but wonder if maybe I am. 1. "You allow him to control you" 2. "Well it seems to me that sometimes you let him take control of what you do" 3. "Why do you do all this for him?" 4. "What are you gaining by letting him take control of you like that?" and here is the one that gets to me the most, "I dont like the person you have become" So obviously all of that said to me by people that I care about is hard. But here comes the spiral...just last night he said to me "I cant trust you" and, "You only think about yourself" and, "Sometimes I just wish you were there for people as much as they are there for you" WHAT THE FUCK! and here I was thinking I couldnt be more there for him. So now, here I sit thinking to myself what to do and how to feel. My heart has been numb for weeks. I guess what im trying to say is, I need advice. I need help as to what I should do now.

Why three in the morning?!

2008-10-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with me? Lately I have been making tons of mistakes on purpose just because im so fuckin bored with my life. I feel like I need to spice it up with some rebellion and stupidity. I even stole a few road cones and stuck them in the middle of peoples driveways just because i was THAT bored. A little vodka here, a little sneaking out here. Its time to stop. This whole...[situation x2]... I shall call it, is FUCKING WITH MY MIND. I need to gain control of myself before this situation x2 gets an even better grasp on me. Someone needs a reality check and that someone would be me.

FUCK.

2008-09-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

Im so sick of all of this. I didnt mean to hurt you, but what the fuck else was I to do? You took advantage of my life. Our memories were grand but the party is over. Grow up! Learn some fucking responsibility for yourself and learn to stand on your own you stupid bitch. I cant believe how long I put up with you. And then my eyes finally opened and saw all the horrible things that you do. Well FUCK this. I will not tolerate this shit. Ever, ever, ever again. You are not welcome here, nor will you be any time soon. So stop calling me, your voice is the last thing I want to hear. And Mr. Bellingham boy, think again before you flirt with yet another hoe. I KNOW what you are doing. I will not and never will come visit you just so you can fuck me and boost your own pathetic ego. Who do you think I am?! I know who I am and I have grown, I will not tolerate this bullshit anymore. I am so hurt, and angry, and just so utterly baffled with the world as to how the fuck I let all this slip past me. I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT. Fuck you, fuck lots and lots of people right now. How much can one person take?! This summer was shit, but this beginning school year just topped the cake so thank you for that meanieGAY and thizzleASS. Oh, and also fuck "YOU" D, where the hell have you been? I have been in desperate need of you, so where are you? Where the fuck are you?! In the past year, I have come to realize that I can only really trust two people out of all the people I know, and I am so incredibly in love with both of them for that. They have earned my respect and have never ONCE lost it. As for the rest of you, all of you can suck whatever it is I have left in my heart and keep it, because I dont want the memories of any of you anymore.

Jazzy Beats, and Plans.

2008-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Its odd how much of an affect music has on you. We choose what we listen to by what type of mood we are in. Lately, all I have been listening to are soft slow beats. So you would expect that to mean I am depressed or some sort of interesting calamity. When in all reality, I just love music. People judge too quickly. If a person were to be listening to screamy hatred music would you automatically expect them to be the type to hate the world? Yes you would. Sterotypes define the people that we are and could be. Athough, I have noticed that if that were the case and you were to talk to that certain hatred music person, you would come to find that they do in fact scream "fuck the world" but that certainly doesnt mean you can assume that about every individual. Anywhoville, moving on...this week is basically the turning point in my life. My plans are booked for awhile. Tuesday I have to make my final frip to PCC and make sure my last class is finalized. Wednesday, waffles! Heh heh, and driving practice. Thursday I shall be getting together with Kaipo to take my senior pictures and then more driving practice. Friday I have to go get my motha lickin license! I better pass, I need to pass, I SHALL PASS! Then after that, meaniemae will most likely come back and live with me for awhile. I think...yes. But what I really want over everything else that I could be doing, is to go visit you in washington. I am so very worried about how you are. I miss you. Anddd......that would be the end of this.

Where wishes go to die.

2008-08-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

He fell quickly to her side and embraced her with a smile. What bliss is this? You want to keep her safe? Then stay away from fate. You will only make her cry. Weep, moan, make her die. Die on the inside, shine on the out. New comes in as old steps aside. Destiny hurts like suicide. She wants you, as you want her. Its hard to hide the smiles anymore. Sparkling eyes only shine for so long. Circus, circus all through the day. Tell her you care, what is the harm? Frown at yourself as you pull away. Ask yourself if its time to stray. You know whats right, as to whats wrong. Let her go, keep her strong. Die on the inside, shine on the surface. Ignore fates lights, and fade out of focus...

Military.

2008-08-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

The last thing I want to hear is "I love you, but im going."

It's Time.

2008-07-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

I need to grow up. None of what I have been doing are things that I should be doing. My heart is failing at an incredibly fast rate. Thanks to all of you, who have been trying so hard to kill me. I need to relax and conquer my fear of driving. I feel as though my life isnt going to officially start until I get my license. So that shall be my goal in the next few weeks. I have my three two hour drives this week. Nervous beyond belief. I also get my wisdom teeth pulled. Oh, damn. I also have to go take my placement tests at PCC in order to take the classes I need to finish high school. In order to succeed in all of those things I do need my license. Which is why that is my first and foremost goal. But its okay. I will remain calm and get these things done. I need to in order to learn, and grow up. It really is time. [For me to let you go.] and for me to get a better grasp on myself. No more giving whats left of my heart to people who dont deserve it.

Thiizzz Boy.

2008-07-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far.

I dont even care if it was morally wrong.

It was incredible and I loved it.

All days should feel like yesterday did.

I would be happy for the rest of my life.

Fishbowl Feeling.

2008-07-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your whole world seems to be surrounded with screaming? Fighting, bickering, bothering, agonizing complaining, hitting, punching, crying. I crave the silence. I want for just this once to walk into my house and feel completely calm with being there. It seems as though everytime I enter, some ridiculous arguement has already formed way before I arrived. What else is there to do except sit in my room and listen to them scream. "No one else has any fucking integrity in this house except for me!" I wish you wouldnt get so carried away with things that in the long run will blow over. Its not fair for you to say things to me that cut me down even more than I already am. The worse thing in the world in my opinion is someone who hurts the living daylight out of someone that they care about, then come back to them the next day and expect everything to be fine. For them to just blow it all off and say "Oh hey its fine that you completely deserted me in my time of need. Dont worry about it" Which I do, every single time. Talk about having some "fucking integrity". Well, as usual this started out as me talking about one subject and then soon some other subject developed in the end. But its okay, I know you understand what im talking about "bitch" :]

Frustrations.

2008-07-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been dealing with an extraordinary amount of wanting to kick everyone in the ass. To put it lightly. Im not exactly sure why I have been having this intense feeling in my chest. Well...thats a lie. I know exactly why I have been. I think its just wishful thinking to want to feel otherwise.Why in the world would anyone in their right mind want to kill a friendship of ten years...? You say it was because of me. Because we have changed so much and have nothing in common. "Because I cant be happy." Well no duh I cant be happy, I spent years walking on eggshells around you...and all for what? FOR NOTHING. Want to know what I think? I think it was because of you. Because you are the one who so brutally took advantage of my life and manipulated it into something of your liking. "Hmm, I need somewhere to go so I can party tonight, OH lets bombard into *my name shall remain unnamed*'s house regardless of how she feels about it! WOO WHOO!" Think again bitch. It doesnt work like that. I have felt so guarded around you for the past 5 months or so. I finally figured out why too. Its because you lost my trust long ago and I felt that I always had to say the right things or be a certain way for you to "accept me" in a sense. Why did I do that to myself?! I am so tired of your materialistic ways and the way that you and her try to prove me wrong. You and her eating those damn tomato sandwiches. "We lived off of these everyday after school and lax/track. hehehehe" WHO FUCKING CARES. I wont take it anymore. I dont exactly have to at this point seeing as how you so bizzleyyy threw me away. I should think of it as a favor rather than something to cry over. So thank you oh so brutal bitch.